Turns out I’m not very good at a consistent newsletter, but then again maybe that’s for the best because I don’t want to spam people
Hitting reset
I started 2024 with a heavy sense of burnout weighing on my every move, and it was a couple of weeks ago that I sat down with my partner and we had a long chat about everything “life” at the moment and I felt a thousand times better. We chat a lot about what’s going on in our lives, but this chat we really laid everything out in the open and it felt like turning a page.
I allowed myself to look at the big picture and think about what is essential this year … it’s NOT pitching a graphic novel, or storyboarding my entire short film, or writing a novel, or any big creative dream I have. The only thing I need to do this year, for my own sense of wellbeing, is to focus on myself and enjoying the moments around me. I’m incredibly ambitious and sometimes that drive clouds my day-to-day ability to enjoy the present. So that’s the goal this year, to slow down, to slow enough to recognise the joy in the smaller things and be around for the people I love and care about.
Less pressure, less expectations
Part of my reset and looking out for myself is reducing the pressure on myself to be great. Even down to simple things like exercise. I got a peloton bike last year (an expensive gift to my wellbeing) and I’ve found myself almost scaring myself off from using it when I set too hard a challenge to be on it for 30 mins multiple times a week. But last week I told myself to just do something every day, even if it’s a 5-minute bike ride or 10 minutes of yoga, and already by reducing the pressure to be great at it and do these big rides I am more confident and naturally doing more than I expect. Sometimes I get on the bike and do 10 minutes, then realise I can do 10 minutes more, and then maybe another 10 minutes. Reducing the expectation in myself has been great, and I want to do the same with my art and projects/ideas.
Not every idea has to go far and be great. I can start by making it for myself, with less pressure and then see what happens from there, in the same way I do just 10 minutes on the peloton and then see if I want to do more from there.
The difficulty with that is trying to return to that enthusiasm and naivety I had in my early twenties and teens. Back then I came up with an idea and made it … for example I wrote a 120,000 word novel just because I wanted to when I was 24. Nowadays I am in a very privileged position where when I have an idea there is an agent or studio or friend in the industry who will listen and often offer me a way to try to make that idea a reality (even just in pitch form). But that strangely comes at a cost … when any idea COULD be the next big thing in my career, it paralyses me with the fear of how to make it, if it will be good, if it portrays the type of storyteller or creative I want to be, if it actually might take me down a path in my career that I don’t want to take … So the idea stalls and stays in this ambiguous state where I can be excited about it but never move it forward out of fear. I’m still working on how to remove that pressure and just make the thing because it’s wonderful to have people who will listen to your ideas, but it’s useless if you’re too scared to take that step towards making it (this step I realised, is a step towards having a finished thing that people can judge, and I think I’m scared of harsh judgement which is incredibly frustrating when I always used to pride myself on just making things that I liked and that made me happy - I want to get back there).
Next Steps
Now that I’ve had this epiphany of sorts I can move forward with a bit of a clearer mind. I can find joy in the projects I get hired for … because I get to draw everyday on some really cool things and I want to be excited for those projects, and not treat them like something I have to do before I can make art for myself. Basically, I want to stop wishing my life away!
I’m coming to the end of my year+ stint on this amazing 2D feature film (end date March 29th for anyone wanting to hire me later in the year - visual development for big projects with meaty exploration to be done are a plus!). I’ve had a great time and kinda don’t want it to end, but end dates allow a kind of reset in themselves and I’m looking forward to doing a children’s book project when I wrap and also working on some bits for myself (with the naivety and enthusiasm of my early twenties of course ahah) as a bit of a change of pace.
In case you missed it …
Here is my attempt for hourly comic day … I’m nursing an injured shoulder (yep it’s anxiety inducing when the arm & shoulder that produces all your work and livelihood is not functioning well) so I had to do this in a very scribbly style and you can see my ability waning at the end as it got a bit much for my shoulder, so I didn’t end up completing the full day BUT it was great fun.
A wordy update, if you made it through hooray. If you didn’t you won’t see this and you won’t see me saying how much I enjoy just writing, even if it is just to a void.
Catch you all soon and keep well :)
x